Toys in the attic and the meaning of life

First a story....
I grew up in a pretty typical american setting... suburbs, nice home, local school, christmas mornings, etc. My bedroom had two doors. One door was to the rest of the house and the other door lead up to the attic. Bit of a quirky thing.

Every year, during the holiday season, my parents would make trips up to the attic carrying our christmas presents. They would place them in a pile on the attic floor, cover them with a blanket and lock the attic door behind as they left.

Every year I would sneak up the attic stairs and peek through the keyhole trying to get a glimpse of  the presents. True story. All I ever saw was a blanket draped over things.

So now it's many years later. I am a full grown adult and I am peeking through a keyhole, trying to get a glimpse at something. Still no luck.

Second an insight..... maybe/maybe not

My parents in their wisdom and their love kept the gifts away from me. This is because they knew it was best. My joy would be good if I waited until I crossed that threshold of night into Christmas morning.

So the easy inference here is: Is it the same for the meaning of life?  Will I cross a threshold into revelations and joy?

First the what and then the how of it

This is a bit of a peculiar post and I will try my best to put it all into the proper context.
Typically, from my experience anyway, we are creatures that like to follow a certain process. It's the cause and effect thing.  First see the goal, then figure out how to get there. That sums it up nicely. First understand what it is you want to achieve, then figure out how to achieve it.

This isn't just modern day motivational speaking

This kind of thing goes for every single thing we do/are.

I am hungry - I go searching for food
I am tired - I find a place to sleep
I am bored - I find something to do
I want a home - I build one or get a job then buy one
I don't want to be eaten - I run from the lion

See what I mean? It's a causal chain - And it is a fundamental part of our everyday life. I believe it is a fundamental part of the everything.

So.....
This leads me to the point of this post.

What is the purpose for all this? What is the reason why I am here? What the the thing I am supposed to be achieving?

If I knew that the second half of the causal chain would be easy. I would be able to take the actions needed to move me toward that goal. Even if the action was something as nonaction as meditating on the top of a mountian in Tibet.

Color Blind to the Meaning of Life

To best describe how I feel about this whole quest for the meaning of life I will tell you a little story from my life.

I very clearly remember a heath check up in high school. And that was a very long time ago.  The school nurse administered a variety of tests. One of which was a vision test. Part of that was a series of cards that checked for color blindness. She showed a series of cards with colored bubbles. Embedded in each circle was a number. 12, 6, 24 etc. I easily worked my way through the cards until I got to one that showed no number. I stopped. The nurse stared at me. There was no number. "can you see the number?" she asked me.

I shook my head. "There's a number there?"

"yes" she said. "But that's ok. It is ok if you don't see that one. It's pretty common."

I was thunderstruck by this.

How is it possible for something to be there, to be obvious, yet not be seen?

And this summarizes how I feel about  the secret of everything, the real meaning of it all. The thing we cannot see or feel or know.

Is this the thing? Am I missing something? Is there a tool or a thought or a thing that I don't have that prevents me/us from seeing the secret?

Is it right there and clear as day yet unseen?



The difference between in and of

I get regular email from people. Because of this blog and because of a lot of stuff I have on my website that revolves around my search for the meaning of life.

Almost always the email is from a good and kind person who just wants to help. They always offer advice by telling me about how they get deep meaning and satisfaction in their lives by giving to others, by being with family, by contributing to humanity.

This is all true. We are social creatures, community, family, love, caring and many other things give us a deep sense of meaning in our lives. But.....

But, This really isn't what I mean. I am trying to pull away the curtain, rake my fingers through the air and catch a small corner of the fabric that can't be seen, and tear it down - to gaze upon the secret that can't be known. The mystery that can't be explained. The meaning of life. 

There is a very big difference between in and of.

The Great Storyteller

I have this little tidbit nipping away at me. It is the memory of something I saw or heard. There is a tribe of people somewhere (Zulu?) that believes that the god force is the great storyteller and appreciates story.

Is the everthing not this amazing collection of story?

And there is a beautiful enigma in this for story has no form, no tangible shape, no weight, no height, no molecules. None of the five senses can perceive story yet it can carry an enormous energy and weight - a story can race around the world, change the everything.

That star died a million years ago

I have been working on some telescope projects and it got me thinking about stars and light. It is a difficult thing to wrap my mind around but there are stars that we see that are dead.
Let me explain. You probably already know that the starlight we see isn't in the present - it is the light that emitted from the star a long time ago and if that star is 10,000 light years away then that light we are now receiving left that star 10,000 years ago. Well, we are able to see light from stars that are millions of light years away and this means that right now in our now some of those stars are dead - yet their light continues on through the universe.

Ok, the simile is easy to see and you probably already taken a guess at my point here. Same as the star, once we die, does our light continue on?

Ahh.... nope... .that is way too easy. What I am proposing here is that we look at it a bit differently.

What I am suggesting is, and of course it is just a thought, but what about the possibility that in our current configuration and shape we are not the star .... but the light?

The Toyota Recall and the Meaning of life

You are probably asking yourself what possible link there could be between the Toyota Recall and the meaning of life.

Well, my thinking here all revolves around a dream I had last night about the Recall.  In my dream I had a toyota and I was with some people and we were trying to get my car in for the recall. Well, the details about the dream, although interesting, are irrelevant. What is important here is the dream itself.

I don't watch much television, I don't watch much news, and the Toyota recall has occupied very little space in my mind.  I have caught little snippets of it here and there but that's it. And I rarely  dream about real things or real people.  So why did I dream about the Toyota Recall?

Well, Is it possible that dreaming isn't just a personal event? Is it possible that there is something going on here? At any one time there are an awful lot of people asleep. They are all in that nether world of sleep and dreams. And if you look at it sideways there is this wave of sleep that washes over the planet, following after the sun.

It's kind of bizarre, yet amazing. If you could do a real time google map of the world as it spins and note the masses of people as they fall asleep it would appear to be this blanket of darkness that just follows around after the sun, people falling asleep in a sort of wave that just perpetually follows the setting of the sun.

Is there something going on there? Did I dream about the Toyota Recall because an awful lot of the world is thinking about it - dreaming about it?

Ok, I don't know why I chose this but this is what I am going to do. Tonight, before I sleep I am going to think about pomegranates. I will contemplate the flavor, look and concept of the pomegranate.

And now that I have planted that seed in your mind let me know what happens. If you have a pomegranate dream tonight send me a comment or email.

I get the distinct feeling...

I get the distinct feeling that there is something we are not understanding; that there is a secret we are not perceiving. An angle we are not viewing....

Part of the riddle and the question we have to ask is whether or not this lack is by design, happenstance, chance, inability or something else.

You know I might possibly be ok with it if it's design, happenstance, chance, or inability. It's the possibility of it being something else that really gets me.

Asking the right question

The phrase "The Meaning of Life" has become such an over used term. It's almost as if it has become diluted or even a charicature of itself. It's also become a good source of humor. I got to thinking about this phrase and this search for the meaning of life. And I think, as in all other things, the answers you get are very dependant upon the questions you ask. How and what you ask is a factor in your answer.

And one of the big pitfalls of this particular phrase is the often assumed meaning of "meaning in life" Many people hear the question and automatically jump to " Everyone must find their own meaning in life" or "Everyone is an individual so the meaning will be different".  Some more common answers are: "I find deep meaning in caring for my children" or "Giving to others", "Helping mankind" .
These things are all wonderful and I believe in them. They do add meaning to life, but, this isn't what I am getting at with my search.  The search for meaning in life has been well thought out by brighter minds than mine   (Man's Search for Meaning) .


So, I have been thinking that maybe the words and rthe question "The Search for the meaning of life". needs to be refined, tweaked or even changed.  Maybe something akin to "What is the purpose of life? or What is the reason for life? maybe What is the mystery of life?
What is the secret that we don't understand about life?
What is this thing I really don't understand?
What am I and what is life all about?

Anyway, I have a feeling that when I find the right question I might find the answer.
-Will

47 Minutes to think about

On the radio I heard a short snippet about a man in a hospital who was dead for 47 minutes before being revived. story here And wow does this bring up a lot of questions. Here are some of my thoughts on what this incident means:

1. wysiwig - What you see is what you get: We are simply biological functions, nothing more and when you are dead you are dead, your memories and essence are gone.

2. Thinking about time: There is a longer period of time before you pass into another realm of existence and it is more than 47 minutes. (This brings up the question of where you are during this time. Maybe the same place you go when you sleep?)

3. You can travel back and forth between this place and that place. We just don't know how, or we don't do it much, or when we do, or when in one place we have no recollection of the other. Did joe spend 47 minutes in an afterlife and doesn't remember?

4. Time is irrelevant: This is hard to grasp but time, being a major focus of this essay, is actually irrelevant. How long you are dead is not important because it doesn't equate in the other life. Although the concept of eternity does kink that up a bit.

5. The unknown and unthought solution: This one really ticks me off because it is probably the right one. Maybe the answer lies in something that I cannot grasp, don't even have an inkling of a shadow of a clue about.

addendum: It will be interesting to see whatever becomes of the people cryonically frozen at Alcor But then again, if any of them are brought back to "life" will it really answer any questions?

Ever wonder why

Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do?

Endless strains of meaningless crap

I have three thoughts for you today.

It is an absolutely beautiful day here in New England, even a bit blustery. The trees are giving up the last of their colored leaves and winter is being prepared for. These three thoughts came to me during my walk.

First thought: Why is it that thoughts come so easily to me when I walk? I don't think this is just peculiar to me. I think it is a human thing. We walk and think. They seem to go very well together. The simple act of walking gently invigorates the mind. And, it's funny how people don't walk like they used to walk. Everybody drives. Kind of a shame. This theme reminds me of a short essay I wrote entitled: A Walk in the Snickering rain.

Second thought: This one addressess the title of this post. We, as humans, occupy ourselves with an awful lot of stuff. I mean that there are endless strains of amusements and thoughts and other things. We seem to spend a lot of time on things that aren't really important. Seriously. Why do we waste so much of our lives on things that don't matter? You know what I am talking about. You do it too. We all do it - spend an inordinate amount of time and energy on things that matter so little - car, tv, bills, what people think, things, on and on and on and on. When it comes down to it what is really important?
Now before you say "Family". I just want to say what about the big question? What the heck is this all about? Doesn't anybody spend any time on that?
In any pursuit one of the most important things you have to ask yourself is "What is my outcome?" It is important to ask yourself this question so you can get a clear grasp of what you are doing, why you are doing it and how you should do it.
Doesn't this apply to life too? Whats your outcome?

Thought three: I am really stuck on the whole subject of Michael Crichton. I have been an admirer of his for most of my life and I can't get over his death. He was a life long learner and explorer- not just a writer. He explored life on many different levels and he laid this out in his book "Travels". In that book he talks about his travels through life both external and internal. He lays out his attempts to explain the unexplained. Well, this got me thinking that maybe there are clues in that book. I am going to have to re-read it and see what comes. Maybe he laid out a way to contact him after he passed. Interesting thought.

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A World Without Keys

A World Without Keys - I stopped in a shopping center one morning to get myself a cup of coffee from a Dunkin Donuts. As I was walking back to the car I stepped on something. Looking down I saw a key. It appeared to have been run over a few times and the key ring was pretty rusty.

It started me thinking about the simple deception that a key is. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was no need for keys in this world?

But, regrettably, there are keys. And it leads me to the very scary thought that everything we see is all there is. It leads me to the thought that we are just biological units that live then die and that's it. We are simply units in a chain of meat that is vying for natural resources, nothing more and nothing less. And this is why the need for keys. Because natural resources are precious and must be guarded. After all, sitting in my ivory tower I must admit, or at least acknowledge, that people die of starvation every day. And if I am to be sure I do not follow in that path I must use a key to lock away things, hide them and protect them from others. The implications are saddening. . .

Circles within Circles

Its a basic contradiction of my quest for the meaning of life.

Every post I write and every thought I think when it comes to this big riddle we are all involved in is that each postulation brings about at least two more questions.

Its a paradox but every thought brings up more questions. Is there a point where the questions start to get answered? Does this never ending cycle of questions fold down into a vortex where a single answer can be found?

dunno, hope so

That last post with the golden ball of spirit brought up a whole mess of ideas and questions. I don't even want to write about them. It seems pointless.

Epiphany on a bus... or maybe not

I was riding on a bus and just enjoying the undulating countryside and I was thinking about people. All these people in this world -wow, there are so many of us. Each one different and each one living his or her life. It is really amazing. This brought a few thoughts to mind. And, of course, a few questions.
What are all these people? Are they all just biological functions?

Well, I had this image in my mind of all these golden globes of beautiful light floating along the country side; seated inside homes, sitting on the other seats of the bus, walking along the streets and paths, up and down escalators and elevators.

I pictured everyone as a beautiful glowing globe of spirit - a soul if you may.

It felt good to visualize the people of the world this way. And its a pretty common thing to think about. I haven't revealed anything new here.

But I did want to say something about this. Where the heck is this glowing globe of beautiful golden light? Why can't I really feel it? If it is so beautiful and so wonderful, and if we really are spiritual beings having a human experience why is it so well hidden?

Will I die when I find the answer?

I have been on my quest for many years now and the idea that I will die when I discover the answer to the meaning of life has crossed my mind many times. It's an interesting and very weighty idea. And a bit of a paradox.

Here are some variations on this theme:

Fulfillment of my quest: This is the biggest thing. Often I could consider that when I discover the answer my role here is complete and it's time to move on. Of course that is conjecture because I don't really know if there is anyplace to move on to. I would imagine the answer would answer this question. or maybe it wouldn't.

The quest is the meaning - I definitely do not like this one at all. It says that the meaning of life is the quest itself. Robert Pirsig sums it up pretty well: "Life is not about getting to the top of the mountain, all the life and beauty is along the side and the climb". That's a rough paraphrase of how I remember it anyway. If this were the case I probably would die, of heartbreak. Seems too pedestrian to me.

A Revelation before dying - I also have this thought that each person, just before dying, is revealed the meaning and answer to everything. Seems like a neat package with a great bow but beats me if its true. If it is true I haven't been able to verify it seeing as I am unable to talk to anyone who has been there. And it brings up the added thought that I am attempting to short-circuit the way it is meant to be. If the revelation comes just before or during death then is my search wrong? Will my answer come to me in time (of my dying?) And if I found the answer sooner would I then force the hand and die?

Here is how I feel about the whole question raised in this post.

About a month ago I injured my right calf during a run one morning. It's one of the risks of running in very cold and icy conditions. While it still bothers me, I haven't stopped running. I get out there every morning. Why? Because If I stop to let it supposedly heal, I may fall into the rut of not running and never start up again. Or worse, once it heals I may not run again for fear of a re injury. And that fear is not something I will allow. Same goes for my quest. I will not allow the fear of dying to stop me from questing. Especially seeing as It's only conjecture. Anyhoo, Like Percival I must continue on in my search for this grail of grails.

Half a Sufi?

I am not an expert on Sufism but it does seem rather interesting to me. There of course a lot written about it but I will give you my nutshell thoughts on what it is and what it means.

It pretty much can be boiled down to two points, I think.

The first point is the search for truth - and I really like this point which is not unexpected seeing as what this blog is all about and that truth is the thing I seek. So this part of Sufism is something I really like.

But, the second part of sufism is the rub for me. I kind of can sum it up by saying it is all about moving toward enlightenment or purity or a oneness with everything and with god or the god force, or the soul and spirit of the everything.

Now, it seems to me that there is a basic contradiction there - And to point that out let me pose you a question. What if we are perfection? What if there is no need for striving toward anything? What if we are the perfect in every way? If this is the case then the second half of Sufism is not really valid. And the first half hasn't been successfully accomplished because we didn't see that.

Interesting conundrum there. Nonetheless, I am not saying I am right. I have to stick to the golden rule, but what If I am? The implications are staggering.

SO It is possible that I am half a sufi. And if I were to discover the truth (that we need to strive toward) then I guess I would be a whole sufi because I would surely strive toward it.

Okie, Tomorrow I have another interesting essay called " Wisdom, truth, honesty, and the ethical dilemma.

A Golden Airplane or Why is my Bubble so Small?

Every morning I go for a run -early, before the sunrise. It's a beautiful time, quiet, and it's just me, the birds, and a few squirrels.

During the morning, around the same time; before the sun has broken the horizon yet is illuminating the sky above, I see a golden airplane. Being that high up in the sky it catches the rays of golden sun and shines quite beautifully.

I see the plane at the same time every weekday and I don't see it on weekends. It must be some kind of commuter plane coming from Boston and heading off to who knows where.

There are two things that strike me about this. First off I have to ponder the fact that it is quite beautiful in a couple of different ways. The way it glints in the sunlight with a golden color is breathtaking as it slowly traverses across my sky. Second, I have to marvel in awe at the remarkable thing that is an airplane. There are a whole lot of people sitting in that thing right at that moment and heading off to a place.

This is where my bubble comes it.

I live in a bubble of awareness. I can only see a certain distance and if I don't look up toward the sky that distance is quite small. And when it comes to hearing my bubble is even smaller. I can only hear within a certain radius and become aware of sounds that are in the distance only if they have the will to be strong and loud.

So, why is my bubble so small? I read somewhere that the human mind can only process something like 110 bits of information per second. I can't recollect how accurate that is but it makes me think that there are two very different things going on here. There is a duality, a shifting between two different things.

True, my bubble of the perceived world is only a certain size, yet, as I watch that golden airplane fly past I can put myself inside it. I can visualize the seats, the rows, the people all sitting and doing different things. I can watch as the stewardess shows us all how to fasten our seat belts and I can see her hand motions as the points toward the emergency exits.

Now, this changes everything about the size of my bubble.

I have, in effect, this enormous bubble inside my head. It is an accumulation of life experiences and I can draw upon it and even manipulate it. - And by manipulate I mean I can re-assemble things and try new configurations. Heres an example:

I am on that commuter flight from Boston to wherever it goes and I am laughing because it was a real event. Boarding was quite astonishing because one of the passengers brought a baby elephant. We all laughed as they stewardesses struggled to get it through the doorway of the plane. It eventually squeezed through and now it is sitting in one of the rows near its owner. We were all laughing at first but now its just not as funny because, frankly, the thing doesn't smell too good and because I am sitting next to it I have to keep getting up to help people climb over it to get to the bathroom in the back.

See how my experiences can be manipulated and changed? What is this act of creation that is going on? How has my bubble grown so large?

This came out of experiences that I have had. But here is the rub: What about the things I don't know and the experiences I have never had? What about the things I don't know and the things that I have never seen? And the things I don't even know I don't know? Is there something very important that I am missing, overlooking, or just not seeing?

hmmm....

Regardless of the things I miss there is something magnificent going on here. Is is truly that my bubble has the ability to encompass everything? Or is the everything that I can create and experience just an illusion?

For my own part, I have never had a thought
which I could not set down in words
With even more distinctness that which I conceived it.
There is however a class of fancies of exquisite delicacy
which are not thoughts and to which as yet
I have found it absolutely impossible to adapt to language.
These fancies arise in the soul,
Alas how rarely, only at epochs
of most intense tranquility
when the bodily and mental health are in perfection.
And those mere points of time
when the confines of the waking world
blend with the world of dreams.
And so I captured this fancy
where all that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

-Edgar Allan Poe

A Blood Splattered Night

--Warning, This is a graphic and true story-- Not for children or the faint of heart -- Seriously. If you are disturbed by some of the suffering that occurs in this life then do not read this. --

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I don't know exactly what happened last night but I will tell you as much as I can and fill in the blanks as best I can. I think my guesses are correct.



It was 3am and for some reason I woke up. Not sure if I woke up then woke my cat (Ditto) up, or if he woke up then woke me up. Either way we were both up at 3. Well, as it always happens, if we get up in the middle of the night he wants to go out. I walked out on the porch to see how cold it was, and approving of the temp, I let him out.



But something didn't feel right and before retiring back to bed I took a look out all the windows. I am not sure if I heard something or if I simply felt something. But looking out the front window I saw a very big dog just standing at my front fence and looking into my yard, very quietly. This was one of those dogs that are bred to fight, big jaws, strong shoulders, and it was trailing its leash like it must have gotten away from somebody. And it was a hunter, I could tell by how quiet it was. I figured he either spotted or smelled my cat and that's why he was looking in the yard.

This sent off some alarm bells and I went out on the porch to make my presence known to it. Yup, wearing pajama bottoms and no shirt. It was about 15 feet from my porch on the other side of the fence and I glanced over to my left to make sure the gate was closed - which it was. Then I waved my arms and called to it in an attempt to shoo it away.



The darn thing was spooky as it just slowly swiveled its head and looked at me. Our eyes locked and I saw a dull blankness. There was a lifeless sense of no concern like the thing was a ghost and I didn't matter. Yet there was something there that I can't quite put my finger on. The duel lasted several seconds and I took a step forward, spoke to it more and waved my arms more.

It just looked at me, then decided as if it were really not anything at all, to trot off down the street. I watched it as it passed my gate, continued down the street then around the corner.



Once I was sure it was gone I went outside and called Ditto. He came running and we both retired for the rest of the night.



The whole scene with the dog reminded me of a scene from the old version of the movie "The Omen". It was rather chilling.



Anyway, I woke up around 5:30 for good and started my morning routine, getting the coffee going, putting on my jogging clothes and checking on my email when around 6 am while I was pouring my first cup of coffee I heard what I could swear was a gunshot, which was followed by what I am sure was several angry barks from a dog. hmmm.....



Shortly after that I see flashing blue lights through the mini blinds and taking a peek there are several police cars parked with their flashing lights on. Several officers are discussing something.



Finally after all that clears I am ready for my run so I leave the house and the first thing I see as I hit the sidewalk is drops of very red blood. I walk down the street further and follow the trail around the corner where it gets worse. The drops and drips went on for quite a ways and I stopped following the trail so I could cross the street and head to my usual running spot. When I returned from my run I grabbed my camera and took some pictures.



The whole incident got me thinking about a lot of different things.



- Things happen in the world around us that we don't know about. As we sleepwalk through our days and nights there are a billion interactions going on. It's kind of strange. We are all one yet we are all separate, yet we are all one.



- There are things that happen that are bad, and things that happen that are good. I won't go as far as to say good and evil but this might be the correct interpretation.



I had a moment with that dog. Maybe it had a moment with me too and I am not sure about that. But I sure had a moment. Maybe it was the dull stare, the pure emptiness, or the knowledge that its number was coming fast.



You know, when my son died, he and I, and the rest of the family, went through this horrible three week ordeal where he was constantly assaulted without stop, and he resisted stubbornly until capitulation came and he eventually, and inevitably knew his time was close. He simply knew.



I think it might have been the same with the dog - he simply knew his time was close. I felt it and he felt it.



- Another thought about this whole incident is the thought about this dog coming into my life for a brief moment. Did I, and my cat feel this? Did we sense the danger and or the impending death? Or did my cat just see the dog outside and wake me up. I don't know. I can't really remember how it all happened. But I do know that there are things in this world that are difficult to explain.



- Maybe I misjudged the dog and I could have saved it? Maybe it was perfectly tame and I could have taken it by the leash and brought it in the house. Dunno, but it didn't feel that way.